Not The Morning Metro News

So the World Cup dropped by, left an annoying ringing noise in our ears and crawled back into the arse-end of Sepp Blatter's sweaty underpants. Fair play Fifa, you continue to undermine "the beautiful game" from its very core. Cheating is fine, the ball was the only thing anyone spoke about and in case you didn't hear him, Maradona DEFINITELY likes the ladies, NOT his players.

In other news, everything is shite apparently. The world will soon be covered in a big, black ball of oil thanks to BP and ironically everyone will still be broke. Poor Mr-BP-man-who-was-sacked-unfairly is being sent to Russia in a classic move straight out of the 1700s. Seriously, at least strip him of his ELEVEN MILLION POUND PENSION first. Give him a toothbrush with no bristles and a pair of flip flops with the weird rubber bit a little too tight so its really uncomfortable and make him walk to Russia I say. Ah well, when the world collapses next week we'll all be in the same position I suppose. Except a certain Mr Kane of somewhere, UK, who now has THE KEY TO THE INTERNET. Yes ladies and gentlemen, he can turn off the internet if and when the need arises with 7 (I may be making that number up) others who all possess keys. Except wait, they can only unlock 98% or something silly like that. A Mr.O'Bama has the only key that can unlock everything. You might even call it THE ONE KEY. Wait a second, two towers fell...he lives in the white house... Let me be the first to break the news that Barack "The White Wizard" Obama is in fact Gandalf and has recovered the ONE KEY from the wasteland that is the internet. All we need now is a midget to drop it into Mt. Eyjafjallajökul and the world is saved again. Where's Tom Cruise when you need him...


Speaking of the end of the world, to make everyone feel better, here's some lovely French house from the end of the nineties, when that loon Nostradamus got it all wrong.